you're worth so much more....

As a woman, it is ingrained in us to be needed, to be wanted, and to be loved. While you are dating, it is important to remember your true value! I heard an illustration recently that I loved.

Suppose you are at a coffee house. They come around offering a free cup of their new flavored coffee. Sure, you'll try it. What's it gonna hurt? If you don't like it, you're not out any money, & you'll just throw it away and buy something you actually do like (for me, it's white chocolate mocha with whip...yum!)

Now, if they come to your table and offer the same cup of coffee for $5 would you be as likely to buy it? Probably not. You wouldn't want to spend your money until you were certain you'd like it. Maybe you'd ask a friend about it, read some reviews, and then, after you're SURE you'll like it, the $5 would be worth the cup of coffee.

As a woman, do you want to be the free cup of coffee? The one that everyone tries because there are no strings attached? The one that will just be thrown away if it's not good enough? Of course not! You want to be the one that was worth waiting for, you want to know a man chose you after finding out what wonderful qualities you had to offer (after he got "good reviews" on you, he now knows that just like a good mocha, you're hot, you're sweet & the milk ain't spoiled!).

As a guy, would you want to date the "free cup of coffee" or the more esteemed "$5 cup"?

Just food for thought (no pun intended!).

worst date?

Q: So readers, I have a question for you. What is the WORST date you've ever been on?

Can't wait to hear your stories!!

(even if you comment anonymously please specify if you are male or female)

getting back on the horse again....

Q: I've been out of the dating arena for a while, I'm now divorced, and I'm ready to get back in the dating scene, so how do I start?

A: First, you must make yourself feel beautiful. You need to be confident in what you have to offer someone. Notice, I said feel beautiful. There are no doubt, some things you like about yourself, and some things you do not. Focus on the things you do like about yourself & accentuate these things. Second, do not try to force a relationship. If you have the attitude "I'm ready now, so Mr./Ms. Right will now come along" you will certainly be disappointed. Lastly, do not make dating the focus of your life. Just LIVE your life. Enjoy every minute of it! When the time is right, he/she will come along!

hug-e gram

Please, please, please, do not EVER get your girlfriend one of these!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPoDIhTRo1k&feature=player_embedded

the break up....

Q: How do you break up with your girlfriend?

A: IN PERSON! Not by email, text or a friend. Do it face to face, like a man! I know it is harder that way, but it is much more appreciated.

I know my motto is to break up as soon as you know it's not right, but it still makes me sad to know someone is getting broken up with soon!

clarification question

Q: A reader has asked this question in reference to my "just" friends post...if it does start out that way, in your belief and experience, what are the odds that both persons will want the friendship to move on to something more?

A: Please note there are no statistics to actually back my data up, but I believe there will be a less than 5% chance of both parties eventually "falling" for each other. I know it does happen, but I think if you do have some attraction for the other person it will come out sooner rather than later. Therefore, if the "friends" are to become "more than friends" I think it will happen in the first few months, not after five years. Are there exceptions to the rule? Absolutely....if you live on the TV show Friends.

north vs south?

Q: Are Yankee girls all that much different, in your experience, dating-wise, than Southern girls?

A: Being that I've never dated a Yankee girl OR a Southern gal, I have no clue. Maybe some fellow male blog readers can help you out! I would like to think Southern girls truly do offer a little more Southern charm!

"just" friends?

Q: Can a guy & girl ever truly be "just" friends?

A: In my experience, no. It may start out that way, but eventually one of the parties will begin to fall for the other. One person will want the friendship to move on to something more, and the other person won't. Eventually the friendship will fizzle because you know it will never be "more than friends". It's really a sad thing, but it happens, way too often.

single & satisfied - part II

As promised, this is part II of single & satisfied. Hopefully these Biblical guidelines will inspire you to stay satisfied in your singleness!

There are days where I dwell on my singleness. I think about “when I get married” and somehow think life will be perfect then. I have learned contentment is not based on a relationship with another person. Contentment comes from within. (Phil 4:12) It is in these times I have to focus on what is real, what is true. (Phil 4:8). I recently heard a young woman who was asked if she felt “called” to singleness, and her reply has stuck with me. She said, “in this moment I am”. I feel this is so true, we do not know when our prince charming will come, and until he does, we are called to singleness.

This world tells us so many lies: lies about our appearance, lies about our relationship status, and lies that say our social status is based on our ability to bear children. When in reality, every single one of us is PERFECT - Fearfully & Wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14). We have all been created with a purpose. We must CHOOSE happiness. If we dwell on the “what-ifs” of life, we will never be content. We are made to have joy; we are made to be prosperous. So many times we forget the little things, the everyday things that are gifts. The sunrises & the sunsets, the flowers, the snow, and yes even the rain. When the rain comes I am reminded that the beauty of the flowers comes because of the rain. Without rain, there would be no rainbows. In our lives we must learn that in order to see the rainbows of our life, we must endure the rain (Ps. 30:5).

1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish everyone could get along w/out marrying, just as I do. But we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage, and to others he gives the GIFT of singleness!” A GIFT….He calls it a gift. A gift specifically designed just for you!

Psalm 139: 13 & 16 “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mothers womb.” v16: “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” - The Lord knew you before your conception. He made you PERFECTLY in His will. He knows every single thing that will happen to you; every day of your life has already been written. It is senseless to worry about when you will meet your spouse, and how you will meet your spouse. It is already planned! There is NOTHING you can do to alter His timing! - Philippians 4: 6 “Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future & a hope.” - Your waiting, which may seem like an eternity, is to prosper you, NOT to harm you!

Be assured the Lord hears you when you call! The times when you are angry and you yell & scream life isn’t fair, He hears you! Ps. 3:4 “I cried out to the Lord & he answered me from his holy mountain.” Ps 4:3 “…The Lord will answer when I call to him.” Ps. 28:6 “Praise the Lord! He has heard my cry for mercy.” Ps. 34:15 “…his ears are open to their cries for help”….v17 “The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.”

Ps. 18:19 “He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.” I love that he says he DELIGHTS in ME! Little ole me!

Ps. 27:10 “Even if my father & mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” - I have always liked to argue that God can be my protector, provider, but he can’t “hold me” when I need a hug…and then I found this verse…He always proves He knows my needs. ☺

Ps. 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord & he will give you your hearts desires.” - Does this mean if you desire a million dollars he will give it to you? NO. As you dwell in His presence, your desires & His desires will merge and your desires will become his desires.

Prov. 16:9 “We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” - No matter WHAT we do, He has our lives in His hands. No matter how much we try to rush our husband into our lives, he will not come until the Lord determines we are both ready for the commitment.

Whether you ever find “Mr. Right” or not, remember this world is not our home. The life we live is only temporary. (Heb. 13:14).

single & satisfied - part I

Q: I have always been ok with being single for the most part, but lately I've started struggling with it. Do you have any reading suggestions? I would prefer devotions... Also what are some ideas you have about ways to improve the singleness state of mind?

A: While most of my posts are usually pretty "generic" in nature, because of your specific request for devotions, this post will be more spiritual in nature, and I will share ways to utilize your faith to make your singleness an exciting, and not a dreadful state of your life!

Here are some books I have read at some point in my life that I've really enjoyed:

• Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge
• What's a Girl to Do? (while waiting for Mr. Right) by Janet L. Folger
• Two dates or Less by Neil Clark Warren - hence why only one guy has made it to a 3rd date w/me in the past 5 years! :)
• For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn - This book is about understanding the inner lives of men. It was a HUGE eye opener for me, and it really changed the way I interact w/men. It is a Bible study & has some videos to go with it as well.
• Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones

You asked how to improve the "single state of mind". When I begin to feel sorry for myself, I have to focus on truth. I begin to focus on the good things about my life. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, I've never been hungry, I've never been homeless, I have a job, a vehicle, food, clothes, an education, and of course, a loving Heavenly Father. Sometimes you may even need to write out all the wonderful things about your life. When you put them on paper and begin to see how amazing your life truly is, it's kinda hard to feel sorry for yourself anymore.

I'm working on part II, which will have scripture to support you during your single life!

friends first

Q: "Friends First" - is this just code for "You didn't really impress me the first time we met, so unless I fall on my head and knock something loose you haven't got a chance."?

A: Without a doubt.....yes.

embarassing moment

Q: What do you do if you run into your boyfriend's mom as you are walking out of Victoria's Secret w/a bag of purchases?

A: RUN! as fast as you can!!! pretend you didn't see her, go the opposite direction, stuff the bag in your purse, run back into the store, if you've already made eye contact, then just tell her you were buying a gift for a lingerie shower you're going to this weekend!

have fun @ Sunday lunch this week! :)

happy dating! `A

to pursue, or not pursue, that is the question....

Q: I like a girl, and would like to pursue her. She's really sweet, and the more I've been around her, the less shy she's become. The more she acts like herself around me, the more I like, and the more I want to know. The only concern I have is that I might not be available as much as she might like. I run my own business, and I'm a full-time student earning a master's degree. Having been in a very serious relationship before, I know it takes a lot of time and effort. I'm certain she deserves someone's full attention, so should I pursue her despite my hectic schedule? She is in college too, so maybe that would balance things out? I don't graduate for a year, and I'd rather not wait that long. Too many things could change, and I might miss my opportunity. What do you think?

A: I say go for it! It sounds like you understand the time & effort a relationship takes, and it sounds like you desire to be the best boyfriend you can be for her. While it may not be "easy" with a full time job & school, you can make it work! Seize the opportunity while it presents itself, and if its not meant to be, well, at least you'll know! Good luck!

happy dating! `A

relationship vs religion

Q: What do I do when me & my boyfriend can't see eye to eye on our religious beliefs?

A: Honey, do I know that argument all to well! First you need to decide how important your belief system is to you. You need to decide what you are willing to compromise, if anything. If you have minor differences there may actually be a solution. If you have major differences, you will never see eye to eye on your beliefs and it will cause serious problems if you move into a marriage relationship. Would I ever suggest a marriage dissolving over these differences? Absolutely Not! If you are already in a committed relationship, you are going to have to have a tough discussion about the topic. You can't let it be the elephant in the room that no one wants to discuss. You need to list the things that are important to you, have your partner list the things that are important to them, and then focus on the things that you do agree on. Find a place to worship where you can share the "likes". Instead of saying "I don't like this @ your church, or I don't like that" try finding the positives and then attempt to find a place of worship that blends the positive aspects that you both agree upon.

happy dating! `A

shy?

Q: Do some girls act shy on purpose? Are some too shy to flirt?

A: I really don't think that girls act shy on purpose. I think some may just be more shy in social settings when either a) they are around people they don't know very well or b) they are around a guy they like. I think girls who are "social butterflies" will be "butterflies" in any setting, and girls who are naturally more shy, will be more shy in most settings.

I think some girls may actually be too shy to flirt. I know, for me, it's a whole lot easier to flirt with a guy I don't even like, or a guy I know is taken, than it is to flirt with someone I actually like. It's like everything inside me clams up, words can't come out of my mouth, my brain completely zones out, and I act like I have never spoken before when I really like someone. [author's note: PLEASE do not take it to mean I like you if I don't flirt with you!]

happy dating! `A

will they still be jerks the 2nd time around?

Q: in the past two months, i've received emails from guys i went out with two and three years ago. apparently, they were just thinking about me and they were wondering how i'm doing. they ask if i would be interested in going to a show? do i need help with anything? did i have a good weekend? these are questions that were asked, but all i wanted to reply with was REALLY?! i love how they're all: i wasn't really that into you back then, but now maybe i love you, so what do you say you just forget that i was a jerk and probably still am one and get in my car and go eat food with me. really?! what's a girl to do?

A: jerks! ok, so yes, I realize people can change, people can realize what a jerk they were in the past and they could want to reconcile, BUT......you only get one chance in my book! Unless they made an effort in these email/texts to assure you they are not the same person they were 2 years ago, do not go eat food with them! there are plenty more fish in the sea! I mean, it is obviously totally up to you whether you want to give them a second chance, but I'll be willing to bet you that you'll find out nothing much has changed in the last few years!

happy dating! `A

is it time to move on?

Q: i dated a guy for almost a year and we broke up almost 3 years ago! ever since then we have both dated other people. he has had two pretty serious relationships, while i have just gone on a few dates here and there. while he was in these other relationships we didn't keep in touch, but as soon as he was single again he was calling/texting me. he tells me that he still cares about me and i know for a fact that i am his only ex that he keeps in touch with. i have asked him a lot of hard questions and he always answers me honestly and i do think that he cares about me. i just get tired of hearing that he doesn't trust settling down and that he doesn't want to hurt me again. he says he values my friendship and wants to keep in touch, but i want something more than that (and he is fully aware of this because i have been very open with him). i just wanted to get an outsiders opinion. should i keep holding on? is there anything to really hold on to or am i just being made a fool of?

A: From my point of view, looking in, this is what I see. When he is in a relationship, he has nothing to do with you, but when he is single again, he comes back. To me this says, he is insecure in his singleness, and knows you'll be there to hang out with until he finds someone new. When you date someone for an extended period of time, you develop significant feelings for them, and you wouldn't have dated them for a long time if you didn't think they had some amazing qualities. You find conversations to be easy, and the time spent with this person is "comfortable".

There are words missing when he says "I just don't trust settling down" the end of that sentence is "I just don't trust settling down...with you." I know that sounds harsh, but when you are ready, when you want to be with that person, you will have no doubts. Think about when you've used the phrase "I'm too busy to date right now" what you really meant was "I'm too busy to date you right now" because when you really want to be with someone, you make it happen, no matter how busy you are.

The texts/calls are irresponsible on his part, he should not contact you if he doesn't want to be more than friends. You have made your feelings clear to him, and he is toying with your heart. You deserve more than that. You do not need to hang on to something that is not there. It is time to remove everything that reminds you of him, it is time to end contact. It is time to move on.

I am praying for you even now that your heart heals soon & you will be able to move on.

happy dating! `A

the parentals

Q: What do you do if you don't like your boy/girlfriend's parents?

A: Well, first of all, no matter what people tell you, you don't just marry the person, you marry their family. We may come from different family structures, but we all have family. Families are a part of our lives....forever. The next thing you need to ask yourself is what is it about the parent(s) you do not like? Is it a trait that is easily overlooked, or is it a deal breaker? If the answer is deal breaker, then you need to get out now. If it is a trait you can live with, then ask yourself how frequently will you being seeing the parents? Will you see them multiple times a week, or only a few times per year? Then, remember that these parents will one day (possibly) be your children's grandparents. How much influence do his/her parents have on him/her? Will it affect a marriage? Will it affect how you parent your children? Also remember a LOT of people end up "turning into" their parents! Is it a trait that will eventually come out in your future partner?

I know I mainly gave a lot of "to think abouts" but there is no right or wrong answer, you just need to decide what you want, what you are willing to put up with, and then decide if this guy/girl is worth pursuing further!

happy dating! `A

broken heart

Q: How do I mend my broken heart?

A: Unfortunately, along with the joys of dating, comes the risk of a broken heart. The thing that is so important to remember is you will not instantly "be ok" again. Time is truly the only thing that can help you heal. The second thing you need to remember is you can CHOOSE how you respond to a break up. You can choose to learn from the relationship and you can decide to have hope that better days will come OR you can choose to wallow in your pity, your sorrow, and your brokenness and you will miss the blessings that come to you daily. Am I saying that the day after a break up you are suppose to be all smiles? Absolutely not. It's ok to cry. It's ok to stay in your PJs, get a tub of ice cream, sit on the couch & watch a sad movie. Just don't have a pity party for yourself every single day for a month! No guy is worth that! If you do that, you're letting him steal the joy of life that is rightfully YOURS!

Just know that if it didn't work out with this person, there is truly someone more amazing waiting for you, being prepared for you, and when you meet him, you will understand why it never worked out with anyone else. It will be worth it!

happy dating! `A

preventing a shark attack

How do you know when a guy is a "shark"?

Shark defined: a guy who is always working the room, going after all the girls, in an attempt to find a girlfriend.

You might be a shark if:

1. You flirt with every girl you see.

2. In a group of friends, you've been out with more than half of the girls.

3. You ask to attend "girls only" functions.

4. You start hanging out with a new group of friends and immediately start thinking about who you're going to ask out, AND you actually act on this w/in the first few weeks.

5. You stare (uncomfortably I might add) at girls and engage in no conversation with them.

6. You are constantly asking around about different girls....have you not figured it out yet....girls talk! We figure out that you're not just into us, you're into her, and her, and her....

7. You always have to sit by someone of the opposite gender, you can't just "hang out w/the guys".

8. You won't attend events when you know "hot girls" won't be there.

Did any of these define you? If so, then for the love of mankind, please stop being a shark!

Girls look for lobsters, not sharks. In the words of Phoebe Buffet, "lobsters mate for life". We want you to be our lobster :)

happy dating! `A

Happy Valentine's Day! - for the couples

So, first of all, why are you reading my blog if you've already made it to the "couple" stage of a relationship? Obviously things aren't going so well for ya cowboy! Are you having dating dilemmas? Ok, Ok, I'll let it slide, and I'll hope you are just trying to make your relationship the best relationship possible!

So, what can you do to make Valentines special for your special someone?

Depending on the length of your relationship, your options will vary. If you have been dating for a very short period of time, Valentines can be a very stressful "holiday" if you wanna call it that. If you've been dating for a while, it can be a nice, fun night to show your girlfriend how much you really do love her.

I (notice, this is me personally, not the entire female population) get annoyed at the crowds in the restaurants on Valentine's! I say, plan something for just the two of you.

One of the BEST Valentine's (and now that I think about it, it was the last Valentines Day I actually had a boyfriend) dates I ever had was actually an accident. We went to a nice restaurant to eat, but when we arrived they were no longer accepting reservations. So, we got back in the truck, and he said we could go anywhere I wanted, I thought for a minute, and while I was thinking, he chimed in, and said "how about Arbys" [now, please know, he really was kidding], but in that moment, an Arby's beef & cheddar sounded REALLY good to me. So, I took him up on that offer. The only stipulation I made, was we were going through the drive through because we had both gotten really dressed up for the night, and I didn't want people to think we had gotten all dolled up for a night out at Arbys. We took our roast beef sandwiches back to the apartment, made a picnic in the den floor, and as they say, the rest is history.

My case in point, it doesn't have to be expensive, it doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be exclusively for the two of you.

You could cook for her, you could set up a "dance floor" in your den, you could go for a romantic stroll on the riverwalk, make a fire and roast marshmallows & make smores.

Now, what are some gifts you could give that aren't roses? Roses are fine, for some girls, some women expect them. I personally think they are a waste of money. I do however realize, they are an "easy" gift if you haven't been dating long, and you aren't sure what to buy. Here are some other options: purchase a gift certificate for massage, or a mani/pedi, anything to a spa is always a good choice. Take her shopping! I could easily buy 3 new pairs of shoes, or 2 or 3 purses for the price of a dozen roses. If you pay attention, you may actually pick up on subtle hints she gives over the next week or so, she may make comments such as, "I really could use a new......" or "Oh this is so cute" take note when she says these things, and then get to shopping!

If all else fails, or if you are as poor as dirt, just make her a construction paper card w/cut out hearts and write her a song.

happy dating! `A

Happy Valentine's Day! - for the singles

To the happy couples out there, Valentine's Day is a day of love, a day of sweet romantic gestures. To the rest of us, Valentine's Day stinks! It's a reminder that "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms....." [that's a song from elementary school in case you didn't know].

So, how can you spend the day not throwing pity parties, and playing sad love songs all day?

This year, the fact that it is on a Sunday is truly helpful. You will not have to watch the trail of red roses, chocolates, and teddy bears go floating by your desk all day long. Unless, you decide to go out to eat that night, you could actually probably get through the day without a single hint of "lovey doviness" in your view.

Here are some suggestions to make your Valentine's Day a happy day!

• Get a group of friends together, a BIG group of friends, and go somewhere fun. Last year a group of us went to a restaurant where they were having a karaoke contest. This was definitely not a place couples were heading for a romantic night. It was one of the best Valentine's Days I've had in a long time!

• Have a cook out @ your house for all the single ladies [you were suppose to start singing w/Beyonce there]. Celebrate your life w/a party, make cup cakes, decorate cookies, & of course, EAT THEM!
  

• Get a group together to play flag football.

• Feel good about yourself, and volunteer to keep someone's children so they can have a romantic date to celebrate their marriage.

• Find a home bound senior citizen, make them a Valentine's card & take them flowers. (Yes, it can be a construction paper card like you made in 2nd grade.)

• Go to a comedy club

• Host a game night @ your house

• and lastly, if you want to torture yourself, sit @ home, alone, watching sappy romantic comedies, order pizza, eat popcorn, and cry yourself to sleep.

I pray Valentines 2010 will be the best yet! ;)

happy dating!`A

technology isn't always your friend

Q: What is up with some guys thinking it's okay to ask for a date via text message or email?

A: This is bad guys, really bad. Do not do this. Please do not do this. We really appreciate it if you actually call us, or ask us out in person. Thank you.

happy dating! `A

should I have butterflies?

Q: I've currently been dating a guy for a little over 2 months. He's a great guy and he has the exact qualities I look for in a guy. So now that we are dating, I guess I am curious how long I should give real feelings time to develop? We only see each other on weekends but we talk on the phone often and at this point I just don't feel that emotional connection I am looking for in a relationship. I really want it to work out because he's a great person but at the same time I know that sometimes you just don't have that deep connection with someone that you want to have. Sure I can keep dating and we will have fun hanging out but I'm not someone who dates to just date...I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with and if he's not the one I don't want to lead him on in anyway.

A: I have actually been in this situation before, so I can speak from first hand experience. I dated a really great guy several summers ago, and it seemed like it would be the "perfect ending", BUT, there was just something that wasn't "right" about the situation. I wanted to make it work, but that wouldn't have been the "happily ever after" I had hoped for. Any relationship has to have some effort to be successful, but you want the relationship to be as easy as possible. You don't want to force feelings that, ultimately, are not there. There are some guys (& girls) out there, who truly are great, but they are great for someone else, not you. I think when you find "the one" you will have butterflies from the beginning.

I think you are wise in not wanting to lead him on. Many people do just keep hanging out because its easier, and it's fun, but ultimately it makes the break up harder.

happy dating! `A