coffee & chat, or more than that?

Q: I received an email from a guy (an acquaintance) I knew from college. It's been 1 1/2 years since I last talked to him, & he now lives several states away. He was going to be passing through my town, and he asked if we could get together to catch up. I've always thought he was a nice guy, so I said yes. We met for coffee & talked for about 4 hours. I was left confused & somewhat interested in him. He's emailed me a few times since then, but that's all. What does all of this mean? Is he interested, or does he only see me as a friend?

A: Interested. You said only acquaintances in school. That's pretty telling. I've got acquaintances from school (and I spent some time in school). If they were guys I was getting back in touch with, no big deal. If they were girls, and pay attention to this part: if I wasn't already hanging out with them when I was in school, then yeah; "getting together to catch up" = interested. (Notice the period there, ending the paragraph, and the discussion. I'm that certain.)

Why the sporadic contact since then? Let it be a mystery no more. This fella no longer lives around here, right? You remember when your buddy the Guyru of Dating gave the advice to take a relationship offline if you want it to go anywhere? Same thing. If you were only acquaintances, then you had one "date" and he was back out of town again...well, how many good email conversations can you swap and call it a relationship? I know, it can happen and there's always exceptions. But, this sounds like an open & shut case. Interested, but unavailable, even if only because of distance. Maybe he was just testing the waters, taking a safe risk or playing what-if. I'm going to leave it at that.

When guys you were only "acquaintances" with back in the day suddenly reappear and want to "catch up", ask yourself this, ladies: "catch up on what? We were just acquaintances!" Of course he's at least a little interested! What he wants is to pick up where he left off. (One important exception: if he's since become a traveling salesman, this could be a deciding factor. If the conversation goes toward your insurance coverage, investment portfolio, tupperware, etc. then he's interested...in your money!) To tell you the truth, the Guyru of Dating is thinking women enjoy being confused about these things! (I think we do like to "make" things more complicated than they really are!)

another one for the guyru...

Q: How do you get a guy to ask you out when you are only friends with him on FB, and you haven't seen him since elementary school?

A: It sounds like you read his profile and he actually included some accurate/helpful info. So, your first goal is to get him the heck off of FB unless you want a pen pal!

Here's how you do that:
Scour (ladies he means stalk) his profile info for some kind of activity or place he might frequent (I'm assuming he's local/in your area). Then, you don't have to be totally forward and "man it up" or anything (yes, I'm being sarcastic at male/female relations there; I hope you picked up on it) BUT drop some kind of hint for an offline meeting. For example, say he posts something like "I shore luv me some runnin'!" Then you open up with something corny like "Hey I just realized I went to elementary school with you" (unless you were a big dork in elementary school), then blah blah blah, THEN you drop your hint for him to pick up on and act on. In this example: "I just started running 30 minutes ago! (How ironic.) Where do you run?" Or something like that. You see where I'm going with this: do just what the Dating Guru would advise, plus take it the heck off FB quick unless you want a platonic pen pal, ya dig? If he's at all interested he'll pick up on the hint and respond with "I run out at tha rodeo field at Sokol park. Y'ought to come run sometime, I'll slow down fore ya." Apparently the guyru thinks you have fallen in love with a rodeo clown!

Trust me on this, if you do it right and he's interested you can't lose. Just take it offline as soon as feasible or it will likely stay on FB, know what I mean?

hints....

Q: What are some "hints" that girls may give to guys to indicate they are not "into" them?

A: I don't think it's so much the hints we give as it is the hints/signs we aren't giving! If we like you, we're definitely gonna try to flirt back. If we always answer when you call, if we always "happen" to be at every event you attend, if we always giggle at your very corny jokes, then we're into you. If at times we ignore you when you speak, if we rarely answer when you call, if we are frequently "busy" when you invite us to do something, probably not that into you. It doesn't matter HOW busy I am, if I really like you, I'll make time for you!

The Guyru's perspective.

Q: Why in the world would a guy break up with a girl, and in his reasoning tell her he had no reason to give her for breaking up w/her because she was everything he could ever ask for?

A: This is a touchy question and the regularly scheduled Guru of Dating had to call in some special help for this one. (As the dating guru, I still feel my input is necessary to ensure the girls get their fair say, so my random ramblings are in red).

I'm going to tell it like it is: This line is a way of making the girl feel like she's too good for the guy, in the hopes that it will soften the break-up for the girl (or at least shorten the break-up conversation for the guy). Read on, gentle reader...

When was the last time someone tried to break it to you gently that you've been dumped and you thought to yourself, 'You know, I really have gained 40 extra pounds and I am too possessive - he's right, I should be broken up with!' Yeah I know, probably never. To quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!" And guys know this. While the truth does hurt, I think I would rather you actually tell me the truth than "soften the blow". This way I'll know I'm super clingy or high maintenance or whiny and I'll know what to work on so it doesn't happen again.

The truth is, normal guys (and honestly, girls too) break up with their [in]significant-other for two reasons, and only two reasons. When was the last time you heard a break-up reason that wasn't really a fancy way of saying: a) 'I just don't like you anymore' or b) 'I like someone else more than you now'? Guys and girls, think about it; you know it's true.

You see, if you're breaking up with someone then by definition that person is NOT everything you could ever ask for (unless maybe there's some emotional baggage that needs unpacking, but that's for another Q&A). Relationships aren't based on logic. They're based on feelings. And sometimes feelings just can't be put into words. And other times, they probably shouldn't be. This is probably one of those times.

So just remember that if someone tries to tell you that you're too good for them, you are! Get out there and find someone too good for you. After all, that's why they kick you to the curb - so you can keep on rollin'!

drum roll please........

I have a huge, exciting announcement for my followers!

From time to time, we need a guys opinion around here! Sometimes we may even need a guy and a girls perspective on a subject....even if we don't agree! So, for the times you stump the dating guru, I introduce to you The Dating Guyru! Look for his inaugural post coming soon!

fashion faux pas.....

Q: I went on a first date with a guy and his wardrobe was HIDEOUS! Should I give him a second chance?

A: If you liked how he treated you and thought there was some "chemistry" then yes, he at least deserves a second chance. If there were no butterflies, then send him a thank you note & include a link to Stacy & Clinton's "What Not to Wear"!

poop or get off the pot......

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. I'm ready to get married, but he doesn't seem to be in a hurry. How can I "hurry it up"?

A: Well, first of all, the more you nag, the more he will be pushed away. Second of all, does he even want to get married? If not, then you're barking up the wrong tree. What is holding him back? Does he have financial concerns, commitment issues, or a certain goal that he is waiting on (i.e. when I graduate, then we'll get married).

It also depends on your age. The younger you are, the longer I think you need to date before you make a huge commitment like marriage. If you are older, then you know what you want in a spouse, and once you find it, you shouldn't have to keep dating & dating & dating.

I have two wonderfully wise thoughts on the subject:
For you: He's never gonna buy the cow if you're giving him the milk for free.
For him: either poop or get off the pot!

the break up

Q: How do you get over someone you really liked?

A: I haven't mastered that task yet, so if you discover the magic answer, please let the rest of the world know. The only advice I can give is focus on the good things in your life rather than focusing on the person you lost. Know that one day you will meet the man/woman of your dreams, and you will realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

I love you....

Q: What do you do when someone tells you they love you, but you don't feel the same?

A: You kindly reply "thank you" - kidding - Oh such an awkward moment! Why do they do that? Do they not know you are not ready to say that yet?? First of all DON'T say I love you back if you do not actually mean it! If you're not ready to say it back, then say something like "oh, that's so sweet" or "I really appreciate that, but I just don't think I'm ready to say that yet", or you could go with "Oh, I love spending time with you too" or "I really care about you too".

Good luck with that!

what are the rules?

Q: Can you ask out your best friends ex-girlfriend?

A: Sure, if you don't like your best friend very much! Really though, it all depends, there are WAY too many variables in this scenario!

First variable: How long did they date? If it was just a few months, then yes, there's a possibility here. If it was over a year, I'd say no.

Second variable: Why did they break up? Was it because your best friend was a jerk, or doesn't want to make a commitment? If so, then there's possibility. If she was the one with problems, then why are you wanting to go out with her?

Third variable: How long has it been since they broke up? I'd say you need to give it at LEAST a year before pursuing anything.

Fourth variable: Does your BFF still talk about her or have feelings for her? If so, then you don't need to go out with her.

Fifth (& last) variable: How sure are you that things will work out with this oh so wonderful girl? You better be pretty sure to put a friendship on the line!

thanks, but no thanks....

Q: So you're set up with someone, but for whatever reason you aren't all that into the person, or things otherwise don't work out. What's the polite way to say (to the person who was setting you up) thanks, but no thanks, but feel free to try again?

A: USUALLY, if someone is setting you up, you know them semi-well enough to tell them straight forward, thanks, but no thanks. If however, this matchmaker was an acquaintance, maybe from work, you should just be honest with them. When they come in on Monday morning and say (in the most exciting voice they have) Sooooo, how did things go with you and so & so Saturday night? You should be honest and just say, well he/she seemed really nice, but just isn't what I'm looking for. Then you can offer to make a list of the qualities you are looking for so they can keep looking!

set up vs. chance

Q: Do you have any odds on the success rate of being set up with someone, as opposed to "freestyle" dating?

A: Most of the stats I found had to do with online matchmaking vs. "freestyle" dating. The first source says you are 44% more likely to find a partner using an online dating service vs. bar hoping. According to www.lemondrop.com your chance of finding the "perfect partner" in life is 1:285,000....comforting, real comforting! So, maybe if you surf the web while in a bar you will increase your odds?

the dot coms......

Q: How do you feel about internet dating?

A: I think internet dating is kind of like Chinese food. Some people love Chinese food, some people hate it. Is it wrong to eat Chinese food just because some people don't like it, well of course not! Should you be careful when eating Chinese food.....oh yes you should!!!

Me personally, I'm not a big fan. There's just something creepy about it to me. I feel like when it's time to meet my Mr. Right, it will happen. I figure if people in the horse and buggy days can meet the man/woman of their dreams, and they didn't travel more than a 10 mile radius their entire life, I'll be ok in this big 'ole world I live in these days. Do I judge you if you have tried internet dating sites......maybe a little.....just kidding.

Just in case you were wondering, I've been oh so kind and found some popular (& not so popular) sites for you to visit if you're interested.

www.eharmony.com
www.match.com
www.chemistry.com
www.plentyoffish.com
www.sugardaddie.com (only if you want a sugar daddy!)

matchmaker matchmaker make me a match.....

Q: Is matchmaking a skill or do people just do this when they know two random single people?

A: Matchmaking is by no means a skill! In my experience, I think people have no clue what they're doing most of the time. This is how I think it plays out in the matchmaker's head: "Oh she's single, oh he's single, they're about the same age.....they'd be PERFECT for each other."......WRONG!

The best match maker knows both individuals on a somewhat personal level, knows what they are looking for in a partner and then matches based on compatible traits.